Tag: sex

Reminder-This Tuesday July 17-The Erotic Literary Salon-Live/Adult Sex Ed, More Sex

You do not want to miss this Tuesday’s Salon, trust me. Doors open 6:30.

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Sarangapani Vishnu Temple

How to Get your Partner to Have More Sex

Dr. Marty Klein

As a sex therapist, I work with couples every week in which one partner wants more sex than the other. In heterosexual couples, about half of the higher-desire partners are female, and about half are male.

When it’s a small disparity people generally work it out. But when one person wants sex twice a week and other wants it twice a year, many couples simply can’t cope. And indeed, this is a difficult problem.

Ideally, couples would struggle over this together: what are WE going to do about OUR problem?

What’s more common, unfortunately, is that each partner sees themselves as having the primary pain: one person struggles with feeling unfulfilled, rejected, and resentful. The other person struggles on feeling abandoned, judged, and resentful.

Each one feels the other’s sexuality is problematic. And each person looks at the other and says what are YOU going to do about MY pain that YOU’VE created?

I see how couples collapse over this. Sometimes the higher-desire attacks the lower-desire. Believe it or not, that doesn’t put the lower-desire in a sexy mood.

Sometimes the lower-desire criticizes or withdraws from the higher-desire. That doesn’t make the higher-desire feel understood, and it doesn’t encourage the higher-desire to self-soothe or to connect with the lower-desire in non-sexual ways.

As I often do with couples, I start by talking about the context of the problem more than the problem itself. So I invite people to talk about what they want as an alternative to their dreadful situation. Common responses are: to feel desired, to feel loved, to feel attractive, to feel important, to feel connected.

People are also eager to tell me what they don’t want: to feel used, coerced, demeaned, guilty, awkward, or physically uncomfortable.

If they haven’t mentioned it, I suggest that people in this situation often feel abnormal, inept, and lonely. Both the higher- and lower-desire partner typically agree. Helping people realize that both they and their partner feel similarly is an important part of the work.

I suggest that one of our main goals is to arrange for people to feel more of how they want to feel, and less of how they don’t want to feel. Of course they agree (although sometimes warily). “Note how different that is from ‘let’s have more sex’ or ‘let’s you accept we’re not going to have more sex,’” I say.

But what about sex? The higher-desire invariably asks how we’re going to arrange for more sex. That is going to be one of our goals, right? More sex, right?

Here’s where the work really gets interesting. “You’re not just interested in more sex, are you?” I ask. “I mean, I think you want a different kind of sex, right?” The higher-desire often looks at me, not sure where I’m going with this.

“The issue here isn’t just more sex,” I say, “it’s that you want to FEEL different—whether it’s more loved, or more attractive, or whatever, right? For years you’ve assumed that more sex will get you that, but it won’t, will it–not more of the sex you two have been having. You don’t want to settle for a bigger amount of what doesn’t really nourish you, do you?”

“You’re not ambitious enough,” I gently tell the higher-desire. “Personally, I don’t actually care how much sex you have—I want you to feel great about the sex you do have. Oh, and I also want you and your partner connecting physically, besides sexually, in ways that you both enjoy. That OK with you?”

Practically every higher-desire eagerly signs up for that. And that helps us get away from the simplistic goal of more-sex-that-neither-partner-enjoys.

Because the higher-desire doesn’t just want more sex—they want more enthusiasm, more engagement, they want a partner who pursues sexual satisfaction for themselves. That’s why so many higher-desires also complain “my partner never initiates.” When initiating sex is a stand-in for “I really want to be doing this with you,” people start keeping score. That always ends badly.

At this point in the therapy the lower-desire has started to have a little hope—maybe the entire focus of sessions won’t be on ramping up their desire for sex they don’t especially enjoy.

But they may also feel concerned. Because instead of talking about the quantity of sex (which they’re sick of discussing), now we’re talking about enthusiasm, authenticity, and a bunch of other stuff that my feel burdensome. “It’s not enough that I do it once in a while, now I have to smile and chat, too? Or initiate sex I don’t really want?”

Um, no.

Some lower-desires don’t want to want more sex. That’s a special problem, which I’ll discuss in a subsequent article. But many lower-desires are genuinely distressed about their partner’s distress. More importantly, many lower-desires would like to enjoy sex more—a crucial piece of information which typically has gotten lost along the way.

That’s what I get them to talk about. Interestingly, the higher-desire partner is often skeptical about this. “If you want more sex, let’s just do it!” But as the couple’s life has unfolded (a miscarriage, a sister-in-law issue, parenting conflicts, weight gain, where the dog sleeps, etc.), it has become more complicated than that.

Frequently, the lower-desire wants more emotional connection on a day-by-day basis. Or they want their partner to do more household chores, or use a different approach to parenting, money, or the in-laws. Sometimes the lower-desire wants sex with someone who hasn’t been drinking, or criticizing them relentlessly. Sometimes the lower-desire wants sex that doesn’t hurt, which the couple simply hasn’t been able to create.

Getting the higher-desire to notice the actual eroticism of a partner who seems apathetic or unresponsive can be quite a challenge. “Yes, he/she has seemed uninterested,” I say, “But I don’t think they’re uninterested in all sex, under all circumstances. I think your partner is describing special situations under which sex isn’t appealing, and over time those situations have become more and more common—to the point where they’re almost always part of your relationship.”

* * *

So while higher-desire is indeed struggling with not enough sex, they really need something else. And while lower-desire does spend a lot of energy inhibiting the sexuality in the relationship, they really want something more than just discouraging the sex they don’t like, the demands for it, and the complaints about the lack of it.

Getting people to talk honestly about what they want—not just “more sex” or “less pressure”—is a crucial step toward getting a couple re-aligned erotically AND emotionally. Difficult discussions about how the couple lives (budgeting, timeliness, tidiness, personal hygiene) are often necessary as well.

What certainly does NOT work is making your partner feel bad about themselves:
criticizing, shaming, diagnosing, manipulating, avoiding, or punishing.

This may sound obvious, but every week I see couples in which people are doing exactly these things, hoping they will resolve the struggles over sex.

They never do.

https://www.martyklein.com

TONIGHT-Erotic Mad-Lib at The Erotic Literary Salon/Adult Sex-Ed Live, Sex In The Struggle: interracial uprising Beyond Black and White

Tonight is the first time the Erotic Literary Salon will celebrate Valentine’s Day with Erotic Mad-Libs. Audience participation is welcome.

 

Sex In The Struggle: interracial uprising Beyond Black and White

Tomorrow – Wednesday February 21, 2018 @ 7PM

Sex and Race.
It’s far beyond black and white.


No matter how consistently common the commentary, the topic of race is timeless. But what lies underneath the tension and the taboo? Can you even talk about race without thinking of sex?

Ulysses “Butch” Slaughter proudly presents Sex in The Struggle “Interracial Uprising: Colorful conversations about the myths, magic and madness of sex and race.” This exhilarating installment in The Sex In The Struggle series happens Wednesday February 21, 2018 @ 7PM at the historic Rotunda on the campus of University of Pennsylvania.

Ulysses will be joined by co-host Monica Day, poet and author of the new book Play Wild, Stay Safe. (Monica Day has been a featured reader at the Salon).

Tickets go on sale Friday January 26, 2018 @ ulyssesbutchslaughter.com

Sex in The Struggle is an exciting multi-faceted intimacy experience advocating social healing through sexual healing. Our event promotes a policy of intimacy where everyone can choose deeper human connections through direct physical contact and sensuous surrender. Our exciting event will feature entertaining and informative segments focused on health, pleasure, religion and much more.

Tonight-Dec 20-The Erotic Literary Salon/Adult Sex-Ed Salon-Live, What Can We Do to Ensure Freedom to Love?

Martha Cornog, Salon attendee and author of several books including The Big Book of Masturbation, compiled this excellent list of nonprofit organizations I urge you to support.

2011_53034_92178

http://www.celesteprize.com/artwork/ido:92178/

 

What Can We Do to Ensure Freedom to Love?

Making America Healthy and Promoting Tolerance

Those of us at the Erotic Literary Salon may not have all voted in the same way. But I think we all support the right to love as we choose, read and speak freely, and have sovereignty over our own bodies and health care.

Many, many nonprofit organizations work towards these goals. Here are a few in Philadelphia worthy of support in the form of contributions and volunteering.

 

Planned Parenthood of Southeastern Pennsylvania

Elizabeth Blackwell at Locust Street
1144 Locust Street
Philadelphia, PA 19107
215-351-5560

[see website for centers at other locations]

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/planned-parenthood-southeastern-pennsylvania

PPSP’s mission is to protect and enhance reproductive freedom, increase access to reproductive health services and information, and promote sexual health. Planned Parenthood comes under fire constantly for performing abortions. Yet most of their work centers in providing affordable health care and contraception to women. And promoting consistent use of effective contraception is one of the best ways to eliminate abortion.

 

American Civil Liberties Union of Pennsylvania

1401 John F Kennedy Blvd

Philadelphia, PA 19103

215-592-1513

https://www.aclupa.org/

“Through advocacy, education and litigation, our attorneys, advocates, and volunteers work to preserve and promote civil liberties including the freedom of speech, the right to privacy, reproductive freedom, and equal treatment under the law. We stand in defense of the rights of women and minorities, workers, students, immigrants, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people, and others who have seen bias and bigotry threaten the rights afforded to all of us in this country by the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.”

 

Free Library of Philadelphia

Parkway Central Library

1901 Vine Street
Philadelphia, PA 19103
215-686-5322

[see website for information about the 50+ branches]

http://www.freelibrary.org/

Reading is fundamental to an informed citizenry, whether it’s tax information, finding a job, learning about being gay, enjoying a hot novel, or exploring what polyamory means. The mission of the Free Library of Philadelphia is to advance literacy, guide learning, and inspire curiosity.

 

Puentes de Salud Health and Wellness Center

1700 South Street
Philadelphia, PA 19146

Phone: 215-454-8000
http://www.puentesdesalud.org/

Recent article: http://www.philly.com/philly/health/For-Latinos-in-South-Philly-clinic-is-a-bridge-to-health-and-much-more.html

This clinic ministers to the health needs of some 6,000 patients a year, most of them low income Latino immigrants, most of them undocumented, with no insurance. Puentes goes beyond basic care to also help clients with education, behavioral health, legal advice, and financial counseling classes. In addition, there’s an after-school counseling program run out of Southward Elementary School in South Philadelphia

 

Three groups of special relevance to LGBTQ folks:

 

Mazzoni Center

21 South 12th Street
215-563-0652

https://www.mazzonicenter.org/

Mazzoni Center offers a variety of LGBT-focused healthcare services, such as food banks for the hungry, HIV- and STD-testing, mental and behavioral health services, and more.

 

Philadelphia FIGHT

1233 Locust Street
215-985-4448

https://fight.org/

Philadelphia FIGHT is a comprehensive AIDS service organization that provides state-of-the art, culturally competent primary care, HIV specialty care, consumer education, advocacy, social services, and outreach to people living with HIV and those who are at high risk. FIGHT treats patients regardless of insurance status or the ability to pay.

 

William Way LGBT Community Center

1315 Spruce Street
215-732-2220

http://waygay40.org/

The William Way LGBT Community Center encourages, supports, and advocates for the well-being and acceptance of sexual and gender minorities in the Greater Philadelphia region. It’s services include drop-in, free and confidential rapid HIV testing and Hepatitis C testing. Trained counselors will be on-site to provide testing and education.”

Tonight-Tuesday-Sept.20-The Erotic Literary Salon-Live/Adult Sex-Ed, Article-Are You Sexually Compatible?

Theme for this evening’s Adult Sex-Ed – SEX: What’s Love Got To Do With It? Come with your question(s), write them anonymously.

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Article worth reading –

Are you Sexually Compatible?

As the urgency of a new relationship fades (honestly, you can only play “How many times can we have sex before being late to dinner?” so often before you stop getting invited) your sex life will take on a more comfortable tone. It’s still good but…different?

If you’re starting to wonder about your sexual compatibility in the context of a long term relationship, our questions can help shed some light on whether you’re just settling into a groove or dancing to different tunes.

compatibility

Sex Drive

Do you feel like one party is having sex more or less than they’d like to on a regular basis?

  1. Yes, I’m often feel like I’m bugging my partner for sex.
  2. No, we’re pretty equal.
  3. Yes, my partner’s sex drive is much higher than mine.

Do you find you and your partner get aroused at similar times during the day?

  1. Yes, we’re in step with each other.
  2. Sometimes they conflict but we try to accommodate both.
  3. No, it’s literally like night and day.

Sex drives are way more complicated than we tend to think, and can be affected by things as simple as what time of day either of you tend to be in the mood, or even who is initiating. Some people rarely feel like initiating sex, but are game as soon as there’s some kissing and cuddling going on. However, just because you’re turned on like clockwork as soon as you’re off the clock, but he doesn’t heat up ‘til later in the evening doesn’t mean you’re headed to a dead bedroom.Differences in sex drive can be worked through, if they don’t vary too widely, and if both partners are able to talk through their expectations for frequency of sex. Neither of you should feel badgered for sex and a partner who whines when they hear a ‘no’ is a huge red flag, but being able to talk about your expectations let it be a reasonable conversation rather than the nagging and guilt-tripping that lack of openness can make it seem like.

Openness & Communication

Are you able to discuss your sexual needs?

  1. Heck yes! I tell them exactly how to [redacted] [redacted] me [redacted]!
  2. I sometimes mention what I want either before or during sex.
  3. I prefer for my partner to anticipate my needs.

Obviously, some amount of conversation is required to a happy and healthy relationship, but it’s true that some people are just not as comfortable talking about sex. It can be highly situational, given that we all know one person who will enthusiastically describe their latest sex toy purchase in the middle of a restaurant, and those who prefer to keep it private, pillow-side conversations.

Again, you and your partner don’t need to be exactly the same, but if one of you likes to hear naughty talk in the bedroom and views sexting as a required foreplay, it may be difficult to work through if the other gets uncomfortable with the most euphemistic discussions of sexuality and body parts.

Sexual Style

LELO-Suede-Whip-purple-sensuaYou would describe your preferred sexual style as:

  1. Harder, better, stronger, faster!
  2. I take the rough with the smooth.
  3. When it comes to love, I want a slow hand.

How often do you like to switch up your routine?

  1. As much as I can!
  2. Sometimes.
  3. We’ve perfected a groove that works for us.

Foreplay is…

  1. What’s for dinner, every night.
  2. All about give and take.
  3. Something I don’t have the patience for.

Sexual style is just about equal parts what you naturally gravitate towards in bed, and also how open (and enthusiastic) you are about new experiences, and doesn’t necessarily depend on how kinky you are. To clarify, some people might be happy with the inclusion of hand cuffs or ticklers once in a while, while others are greatly interested and invested with exploring new sensations.

Sexual tastes can develop at any time, and while some people may dip their toe into new kinks occasionally, or are happy to do so to please their partner, but don’t feel particularly compelled to continue explore new things on a regular basis. In that way, two people of differing styles can still have a happy sex life, but if catering to each other’s tastes seems like a chore, it doesn’t bode well.Does your partner feel the need to push sexual boundaries and explore new kinks regularly? Try and be open minded and enthusiastic to try new things within reason. You don’t want to agree to things that will upset or disgust you, but you may find you get a lot of enjoyment out of their kinky pleasure.

Monogamy

Monogamy and you are:

  1. Mortal enemies.
  2. In talks.
  3. Monogamous.

Monogamy has been the assumed default model for relationships for so long, people can forget that it’s an important discussion to have. Clearly, given the popularity of the threesome fantasy, it simply doesn’t make sense to never discuss how ‘open’ you’d both like your relationship to be.Some people will treat watching porn as infidelity, and some people will want their partners to be able to find sexual satisfaction with other people in situations where they can’t or would not like to fill a particular need. Both can be equally healthy as long as those attitudes are discussed and agreed upon (sincerely). And hey, it’s ok to change your mind about the level you’ve agreed upon during your relationship, just make sure it’s posed as a new discussion and not an accusation.

Intimacy & Affection

When you think of the most intimate moments you share with your partner, you think of:

  1. Cuddling on the couch.
  2. Having a deep conversation at dinner.
  3. When you’re both in the throes of passion.

Your favorite place to keep your hands is:

  1. All over your partner.
  2. In their hand.
  3. In my pockets.

When you’re stressed out…

  1. Sex is the furthest thing from my mind.
  2. My partner and I relax with each other, sometimes through sex.
  3. Sex is my go-to way to relax.

This may not seem entirely like it’s relevant to sexual compatibility, but bear with us. Imagine one partner rarely makes bodily contact with the other, unless they’re in the bedroom. If their partner is a highly affectionate person, this can seem cold, and perhaps make them think their partner is only interested in them sexually.

Really, we all have different ways of communicating love and affection, as well as attitudes toward things like PDA. Because they aren’t calculated responses, we don’t always think about how our partner will interpret them. By examining your habits and talking about them, you can clear up any misunderstandings about behavior, and also learn how to better communicate affection and intimacy to your partner purposefully.

Conclusion

Be honest: How important is sex to you?

  1. It can fluctuate depending on who I’m with.
  2. Extremely!
  3. I like sex but it doesn’t figure that much into my daily life.

Look back over your answers, and think about how your partner would answer them. Better yet, ask! This is a key step to finding out how compatible you are because it will open up discussions about things that you both may have assumed about each other. Have different answers? Before you panic (it’s ok, we promise!) focus on which things are negotiable for you and your partner.

You know yourself that things are rarely black and white, compromise and flexibility are key to establishing how complementary you are as a couple.

And figuring out how you both feel about these aspects of your sexuality doesn’t mean squaring off to see who can get more out of the other person, or that you need to change fundamental parts of yourself. Negotiation might not sound sexy, but trust us when we say that discussing things like how kinky you are and how often you get turned on tend inspire couples to discovery!

https://www.lelo.com/blog/are-you-sexually-compatible/