Tag: sex

Tonight-Dec 20-The Erotic Literary Salon/Adult Sex-Ed Salon-Live, What Can We Do to Ensure Freedom to Love?

Martha Cornog, Salon attendee and author of several books including The Big Book of Masturbation, compiled this excellent list of nonprofit organizations I urge you to support.

2011_53034_92178

http://www.celesteprize.com/artwork/ido:92178/

 

What Can We Do to Ensure Freedom to Love?

Making America Healthy and Promoting Tolerance

Those of us at the Erotic Literary Salon may not have all voted in the same way. But I think we all support the right to love as we choose, read and speak freely, and have sovereignty over our own bodies and health care.

Many, many nonprofit organizations work towards these goals. Here are a few in Philadelphia worthy of support in the form of contributions and volunteering.

 

Planned Parenthood of Southeastern Pennsylvania

Elizabeth Blackwell at Locust Street
1144 Locust Street
Philadelphia, PA 19107
215-351-5560

[see website for centers at other locations]

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/planned-parenthood-southeastern-pennsylvania

PPSP’s mission is to protect and enhance reproductive freedom, increase access to reproductive health services and information, and promote sexual health. Planned Parenthood comes under fire constantly for performing abortions. Yet most of their work centers in providing affordable health care and contraception to women. And promoting consistent use of effective contraception is one of the best ways to eliminate abortion.

 

American Civil Liberties Union of Pennsylvania

1401 John F Kennedy Blvd

Philadelphia, PA 19103

215-592-1513

https://www.aclupa.org/

“Through advocacy, education and litigation, our attorneys, advocates, and volunteers work to preserve and promote civil liberties including the freedom of speech, the right to privacy, reproductive freedom, and equal treatment under the law. We stand in defense of the rights of women and minorities, workers, students, immigrants, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people, and others who have seen bias and bigotry threaten the rights afforded to all of us in this country by the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.”

 

Free Library of Philadelphia

Parkway Central Library

1901 Vine Street
Philadelphia, PA 19103
215-686-5322

[see website for information about the 50+ branches]

http://www.freelibrary.org/

Reading is fundamental to an informed citizenry, whether it’s tax information, finding a job, learning about being gay, enjoying a hot novel, or exploring what polyamory means. The mission of the Free Library of Philadelphia is to advance literacy, guide learning, and inspire curiosity.

 

Puentes de Salud Health and Wellness Center

1700 South Street
Philadelphia, PA 19146

Phone: 215-454-8000
http://www.puentesdesalud.org/

Recent article: http://www.philly.com/philly/health/For-Latinos-in-South-Philly-clinic-is-a-bridge-to-health-and-much-more.html

This clinic ministers to the health needs of some 6,000 patients a year, most of them low income Latino immigrants, most of them undocumented, with no insurance. Puentes goes beyond basic care to also help clients with education, behavioral health, legal advice, and financial counseling classes. In addition, there’s an after-school counseling program run out of Southward Elementary School in South Philadelphia

 

Three groups of special relevance to LGBTQ folks:

 

Mazzoni Center

21 South 12th Street
215-563-0652

https://www.mazzonicenter.org/

Mazzoni Center offers a variety of LGBT-focused healthcare services, such as food banks for the hungry, HIV- and STD-testing, mental and behavioral health services, and more.

 

Philadelphia FIGHT

1233 Locust Street
215-985-4448

https://fight.org/

Philadelphia FIGHT is a comprehensive AIDS service organization that provides state-of-the art, culturally competent primary care, HIV specialty care, consumer education, advocacy, social services, and outreach to people living with HIV and those who are at high risk. FIGHT treats patients regardless of insurance status or the ability to pay.

 

William Way LGBT Community Center

1315 Spruce Street
215-732-2220

http://waygay40.org/

The William Way LGBT Community Center encourages, supports, and advocates for the well-being and acceptance of sexual and gender minorities in the Greater Philadelphia region. It’s services include drop-in, free and confidential rapid HIV testing and Hepatitis C testing. Trained counselors will be on-site to provide testing and education.”

Tonight-Tuesday-Sept.20-The Erotic Literary Salon-Live/Adult Sex-Ed, Article-Are You Sexually Compatible?

Theme for this evening’s Adult Sex-Ed – SEX: What’s Love Got To Do With It? Come with your question(s), write them anonymously.

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Article worth reading –

Are you Sexually Compatible?

As the urgency of a new relationship fades (honestly, you can only play “How many times can we have sex before being late to dinner?” so often before you stop getting invited) your sex life will take on a more comfortable tone. It’s still good but…different?

If you’re starting to wonder about your sexual compatibility in the context of a long term relationship, our questions can help shed some light on whether you’re just settling into a groove or dancing to different tunes.

compatibility

Sex Drive

Do you feel like one party is having sex more or less than they’d like to on a regular basis?

  1. Yes, I’m often feel like I’m bugging my partner for sex.
  2. No, we’re pretty equal.
  3. Yes, my partner’s sex drive is much higher than mine.

Do you find you and your partner get aroused at similar times during the day?

  1. Yes, we’re in step with each other.
  2. Sometimes they conflict but we try to accommodate both.
  3. No, it’s literally like night and day.

Sex drives are way more complicated than we tend to think, and can be affected by things as simple as what time of day either of you tend to be in the mood, or even who is initiating. Some people rarely feel like initiating sex, but are game as soon as there’s some kissing and cuddling going on. However, just because you’re turned on like clockwork as soon as you’re off the clock, but he doesn’t heat up ‘til later in the evening doesn’t mean you’re headed to a dead bedroom.Differences in sex drive can be worked through, if they don’t vary too widely, and if both partners are able to talk through their expectations for frequency of sex. Neither of you should feel badgered for sex and a partner who whines when they hear a ‘no’ is a huge red flag, but being able to talk about your expectations let it be a reasonable conversation rather than the nagging and guilt-tripping that lack of openness can make it seem like.

Openness & Communication

Are you able to discuss your sexual needs?

  1. Heck yes! I tell them exactly how to [redacted] [redacted] me [redacted]!
  2. I sometimes mention what I want either before or during sex.
  3. I prefer for my partner to anticipate my needs.

Obviously, some amount of conversation is required to a happy and healthy relationship, but it’s true that some people are just not as comfortable talking about sex. It can be highly situational, given that we all know one person who will enthusiastically describe their latest sex toy purchase in the middle of a restaurant, and those who prefer to keep it private, pillow-side conversations.

Again, you and your partner don’t need to be exactly the same, but if one of you likes to hear naughty talk in the bedroom and views sexting as a required foreplay, it may be difficult to work through if the other gets uncomfortable with the most euphemistic discussions of sexuality and body parts.

Sexual Style

LELO-Suede-Whip-purple-sensuaYou would describe your preferred sexual style as:

  1. Harder, better, stronger, faster!
  2. I take the rough with the smooth.
  3. When it comes to love, I want a slow hand.

How often do you like to switch up your routine?

  1. As much as I can!
  2. Sometimes.
  3. We’ve perfected a groove that works for us.

Foreplay is…

  1. What’s for dinner, every night.
  2. All about give and take.
  3. Something I don’t have the patience for.

Sexual style is just about equal parts what you naturally gravitate towards in bed, and also how open (and enthusiastic) you are about new experiences, and doesn’t necessarily depend on how kinky you are. To clarify, some people might be happy with the inclusion of hand cuffs or ticklers once in a while, while others are greatly interested and invested with exploring new sensations.

Sexual tastes can develop at any time, and while some people may dip their toe into new kinks occasionally, or are happy to do so to please their partner, but don’t feel particularly compelled to continue explore new things on a regular basis. In that way, two people of differing styles can still have a happy sex life, but if catering to each other’s tastes seems like a chore, it doesn’t bode well.Does your partner feel the need to push sexual boundaries and explore new kinks regularly? Try and be open minded and enthusiastic to try new things within reason. You don’t want to agree to things that will upset or disgust you, but you may find you get a lot of enjoyment out of their kinky pleasure.

Monogamy

Monogamy and you are:

  1. Mortal enemies.
  2. In talks.
  3. Monogamous.

Monogamy has been the assumed default model for relationships for so long, people can forget that it’s an important discussion to have. Clearly, given the popularity of the threesome fantasy, it simply doesn’t make sense to never discuss how ‘open’ you’d both like your relationship to be.Some people will treat watching porn as infidelity, and some people will want their partners to be able to find sexual satisfaction with other people in situations where they can’t or would not like to fill a particular need. Both can be equally healthy as long as those attitudes are discussed and agreed upon (sincerely). And hey, it’s ok to change your mind about the level you’ve agreed upon during your relationship, just make sure it’s posed as a new discussion and not an accusation.

Intimacy & Affection

When you think of the most intimate moments you share with your partner, you think of:

  1. Cuddling on the couch.
  2. Having a deep conversation at dinner.
  3. When you’re both in the throes of passion.

Your favorite place to keep your hands is:

  1. All over your partner.
  2. In their hand.
  3. In my pockets.

When you’re stressed out…

  1. Sex is the furthest thing from my mind.
  2. My partner and I relax with each other, sometimes through sex.
  3. Sex is my go-to way to relax.

This may not seem entirely like it’s relevant to sexual compatibility, but bear with us. Imagine one partner rarely makes bodily contact with the other, unless they’re in the bedroom. If their partner is a highly affectionate person, this can seem cold, and perhaps make them think their partner is only interested in them sexually.

Really, we all have different ways of communicating love and affection, as well as attitudes toward things like PDA. Because they aren’t calculated responses, we don’t always think about how our partner will interpret them. By examining your habits and talking about them, you can clear up any misunderstandings about behavior, and also learn how to better communicate affection and intimacy to your partner purposefully.

Conclusion

Be honest: How important is sex to you?

  1. It can fluctuate depending on who I’m with.
  2. Extremely!
  3. I like sex but it doesn’t figure that much into my daily life.

Look back over your answers, and think about how your partner would answer them. Better yet, ask! This is a key step to finding out how compatible you are because it will open up discussions about things that you both may have assumed about each other. Have different answers? Before you panic (it’s ok, we promise!) focus on which things are negotiable for you and your partner.

You know yourself that things are rarely black and white, compromise and flexibility are key to establishing how complementary you are as a couple.

And figuring out how you both feel about these aspects of your sexuality doesn’t mean squaring off to see who can get more out of the other person, or that you need to change fundamental parts of yourself. Negotiation might not sound sexy, but trust us when we say that discussing things like how kinky you are and how often you get turned on tend inspire couples to discovery!

https://www.lelo.com/blog/are-you-sexually-compatible/

Watching His Wife With Other Guys (Getting Fucked) – Candaulism

Candaulism: Wikipedia definition, excerpt –

Candaulism is a sexual practice or fantasy in which a man exposes his female partner, or images of her, to other people for their voyeuristicpleasure.

The term may also be applied to the practice of undressing or otherwise exposing a female partner to others, or urging or forcing her to engage in sexual relations with a third person, such as during a swinging activity. There have also been reports of a woman’s partner urging or forcing her into prostitution or pornography. Similarly, the term may also be applied to the posting of personal images of a female partner on the internet or urging or forcing her to wear clothing which reveals her physical attractiveness to others, such as by wearing very brief clothing, such as a microskirttight-fitting or see-through clothing or a low-cut top.

Etty-Candaules_King_of_Lydia_Shews_his_Wife_to_Gyges

Dr. Marty Klein’s brief article on the topic of husband’s watching their wives with other men came to my attention recently. First I realized men don’t ask women to cuddle and become physically intimate. They want to see hard core penis inserted into vagina – the mechanics. Often they stipulate no kissing – far to intimate. Here is Marty’s explanation of this sexual desire:

In a world where jealousy seems “normal,” and where so many men talk about women who cheat, there’s another kind of man. He’s the one who fantasizes about his wife or girlfriend with another guy. He may even try to make it happen in real life.

Call them cuckolds or hot-wifers (as in, ‘hey guys, check out my hot wife’); these guys are generally not really swingers, because they aren’t usually after another sexual partner for themselves. There’s more of these guys out there than you may realize.

With some cuckolds, humiliation is part of the desired experience. The script may include demeaning hubby’s penis, his lovemaking, or his attractiveness. The other gentleman may be prompted to tease him cruelly as well. In some cases, the husband may be “forced” to suck the other guy’s penis, lick his semen, or submit in other ways.

Hot-wifers, on the other hand, like to feel proud rather than degraded. They like to show off wifey, sometimes in exhibitionistic games (such as deliberate wardrobe malfunctions or exposed body parts). Unsuspecting gas station attendants, room service delivery guys, even nearby drivers or freeway truckers may get a surprised eyeful. Glass hotel elevators were made for these couples.

So why do men do this? Why do they yearn to see their wives have pleasure (or intimate talking, or even consensually rough treatment) with someone else?

Freud would have a field day with these guys: repressed homosexuality, low self-esteem, fear of rejection or abandonment (and unconsciously arranging to feel in charge of it), performance anxiety (and out-sourcing responsibility to the other guy).

And in a minority of cases, maybe the guy actually doesn’t care for his wife.

On the other hand, it can be a gift to the woman, or a demonstration of trust. It can make the couple feel closer by sharing a taboo adventure (fantasy or real). It can be the ultimate treat for an actual voyeur—not just watching, but watching something meaningful, with no fear of getting caught. It can be a way of creating a safe environment for wifey to have flings with others, whether friends or strangers. There can be a sexy emotional bonding between the two men, not to mention tangible erotic possibilities.

As the saying goes, it’s all fun and games until (unless) someone gets hurt. Wifey might become too enthusiastic about non-monogamy to suit her husband. Hubby might push wifey to do things she later regrets; she may feel his voyeuristic pleasure was more important to him than her comfort or safety. Some innocent bystanders might protest that they’re being used without their consent. And of course there’s always the chance that the extra guy turns out to be a little nutty.

Content people rarely go to therapy, so the couples discussing this in my office are generally in conflict. Frequently, it’s because he can’t take ‘no’ for an answer. That’s generally not about sex—when people can’t hear the word ‘no,’ it’s typically about power. And if the ‘no’ is about something you really, really want? There are ways to discuss it collaboratively rather than being a huge pain in the butt. And if two people can’t work something out, eventually someone has to let it go or leave the relationship. Or quarrel about it forever.

Another reason people come to therapy about this is because she wants to ‘understand’ his quirky thing. When he explains it, she may still not get it–and then imagine it’s because he doesn’t love her enough to be possessive. Or that he secretly wants the same privilege—one or more outside partners—for himself, and won’t say so directly.

Some guys don’t want any more men in their bedroom, but they love talking about the fantasy: what would it be like? What would you wear for the guy? What would you like him to do? Wouldn’t it be great if he had a huge erection, or a skillful tongue?

While some women enjoy playing the fantasy game, others find it intrusive and distracting. Or artificial and theatrical. Worse, they may assume it’s because they’re not sufficiently attractive on their own, and hubby needs to imagine and talk about crazy scenes to get excited. No one likes to think that’s true.

Some women would be fine about the fantasy game occasionally—they just don’t want it every time they have sex. That’s understandable, as so many people are trying to get away from routine in sex, rather than reinforcing it. And some women would be fine about the fantasy game if they felt confident it would stay on the fantasy level. But they’re suspicious that while they’re getting accustomed to the fantasy, hubby is plotting the next move in a longer project—ultimately acting out the fantasies they discuss.

Couples who come to see me about this subject often think they’re the only ones dealing with it. My first contribution is to be non-reactive, accept what they’re saying, and treat it like any other couples conflict. I help them talk, help them listen, help them express their fears that they won’t be able to work this out. I don’t tell them what to do, I don’t take sides, and I don’t say that these ideas are either ‘normal’ or ‘not normal.’

That’s never my job. People never need my help in arguing about who’s the normal one, who’s the kinky one, and who’s the selfish one. My job is to gently wean them off those unproductive conversations and onto more honest and productive ones.

That’s my fantasy.

Read more articles and subscribe free to his newsletter:

http://www.sexualintelligence.org/#one

Limp Dick Not Always ED No Need For Penis Enhancers

Dr. Marty Klein’s article on the cause for flaccid penis is a must read for men and the women who enjoy sex with them.

Ten Erection Disappointments That Are NOT “ED”

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Men, women, and couples come to my practice each week talking about “ED”—erectile dysfunction. The term apparently refers to anyone who can’t get an erection when he wants to—once. This, of course, implies that penises should behave like ATMs—ready to do business 24/7, rain or shine.

But that’s not how penises or the human brain are built. Penises actually need a lot of conditions in order to do what their owners, or their owners’ partners, want them to do. Those conditions can involve emotions, environmental issues, or features of the partner. If one of those isn’t quite right, even the healthiest penis will stubbornly stay small and soft and quite calm.

So here are ten common situations in which penis owners—or their partners—often expect or demand an erection, and don’t get one. Such cases are examples of unrealistic expectations, not ED.

* You’ve been drinking a lot
“A lot” might be as little as a couple of drinks. You don’t have to be drunk in order to be compromised by alcohol. You know how drinking slows down your reflexes for driving? It also slows down your erection reflex.

* You’re really tired
Sometimes sex is available exactly when we’re most tired—and worse, we may fear it won’t be available when we’re rested (or a potential partner has had a chance to think things over). Besides, many people leave sex for the last thing at night, when they can no longer do anything productive. When we treat sex so disrespectfully it’s no wonder if our bodies don’t respond.

* You’re afraid sex will lead to pregnancy (or an STI)
Even if you’re telling yourself over and over “it won’t happen,” or you’re repeating to yourself “don’t forget to pull out,” that can be pretty distracting.

* You don’t really want to have sex with this person
Sometimes it’s a long-term partner we’ve lost interest in, but we have sex in order to prevent conflict. Sometimes it’s a casual partner that we’re not that attracted to—but hey, it’s sex, right? Actually, wrong.

* The stuff she’s doing isn’t sexy to you—in fact, it hurts
Long, long fingernails where you don’t want them, too much teeth, thrusting or bouncing on your penis in a way that scares you—these can all chase away an erection. And a look, a phrase, or lingerie that she thinks is sexy but just strikes you wrong can also get in the way. Turns out men are more sensitive than some people give them credit for.

* She’s sloppy drunk
Why you’d want to have sex with a drunk woman is an important question. Among other things, it’s hardly ethical (although I understand that you both might be). But once you’re into it—or trying to be—it usually turns out to be way more trouble than it’s worth. Most penises don’t find it to be a pretty sight.

* She doesn’t want to have sex
Trying to talk someone into it—or roughly pushing them into it—gets some men excited, caveman-style. Most men are simply too human to enjoy it. And no matter how desirable she was before she said “no,” once a woman says “no” it’s hard for most men to keep their self-respect if they keep pushing. And erections usually leave when dignity does.

* You’re in a big hurry
If you’re in a big hurry, you’re either thinking about the thing you need to do next, or you’re worried about being caught (or simply running out of time). Not conducive to erection.

* You’re just not in the mood
Many men have been told that since women control sex, a man doesn’t have the luxury of not being in the mood when sex is available. If you’re not in the mood but proceed anyway, your penis may reveal the truth by refusing to participate.

* You still haven’t gotten over the argument you recently had
That argument hurt, didn’t it? And even if it didn’t, it made you feel separate from your partner, right? Besides, a productive argument actually gives you something to think about afterwards. If you’re thinking about that, that’s good—but it may not leave much of your attention available for sexual interest.
* * *
Why does it matter what we call a situation that may be, variously, aggravating, embarrassing, confusing, or shocking?

For one thing, getting beyond the narrative of ED means the lack of erection may not mean a lack of desire, arousal, or affection. For another, it means that the lack of erection may be quite temporary—as soon as the right conditions are arranged (an hour later, a week later), an erection may be quite available. And finally, it means that erection drugs may not be the right approach to getting the desired erection.

As in so many things sexual, honesty with oneself and communication with one’s partner are frequently the first steps toward improving your sexual experience—in this case, getting more reliable and drama-free erections.

Subscribe to Dr. Marty Klein’s free newsletter for a sex positive approach to many of your intimate questions. http://www.martyklein.com