Tag: monogamy

Free – Hour with Psycholotherapist Esther Perel on Marriage, Sexuality, and Intimacy

Esther Perel is the ‘in’ therapist dealing with intimacy and sexuality these days. She has turned some major sex therapy notions on their head.

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The Radio Times Interview with Marty Moss-Coane is excellent. Marty is one of the few interviewers that can handle sex conversation without silly comments and laughter to hide discomfort.

http://whyy.org/cms/radiotimes/2014/07/01/psychotherapist-esther-perel-on-marriage-sexuality-and-intimacy/

How to Satisfy Your Sexual Needs When Your Old Rulebook Says No

How Designer Relationships impacts people of all generations, whether single, couples, or more than two. Joan Price has written an interesting article on dating and non-monogamy. I shall be discussing Designer Relationships at the Salon this Tuesday, June 17th.

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Every month in Sex at Our Ageaward-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org. 

I am a single older man, university educated, and I don’t consider myself monogamous. I have been dating one woman and I’m not cheating on her, but I am interested in several others. I’ve always longed for the experience of dating more than one woman and ideally being sexual with them. I truly don’t think I’ve ever been capable of being happy in a sexually exclusive relationship, and at this point in my life, I don’t want to try anymore – but are women open to this?

How can I bring up this issue with women I date? I’m not trying to “use” them and I don’t want to lie or cheat. I’d like to be able to talk rationally and honestly about what I consider to be my nature, hopefully with women who feel the same way. I’m hampered, though, by lingering old ideas about what is right and wrong about sex, especially that I’m supposed to be happily monogamous. I’d like to experience sex in a new way, and I hope it’s not too late.  —Non-Monogamous & Frustrated

Good for you for knowing what you need and for wanting to go after it ethically. As you’ve realized, by this point in our lives, many of the “rules” about sexuality we learned decades ago no longer feel true to us, if they ever did. The world has changed – people are more experimental and sexually open to new experiences.

The idea of one lifelong mate has all but dissolved because many of us are single and still sexually active – or wanting to be – after divorce, break-up or the death of a spouse. At our age, the old rules about sexual exclusivity might not even apply to our situation if we’re single and dating. Even many committed couples have agreed to be non-monogamous and find that it works for them. (Others, of course, feel most fulfilled in a monogamous commitment and can’t imagine an open sexual lifestyle being okay — but that’s not why you wrote!)

The first step, which you’ve done, is to realize that for you – and for many people of all ages, genders and orientations – monogamy is not authentic or fulfilling. A male friend of mine told me, “I tried every which way to be monogamous – it was never natural to me, and I quit one relationship after another until I acknowledged that I am ethically non-monogamous. Now that’s the way I live, with a partner who feels the same way.”

Fortunately, you’ll find plenty of women who also don’t feel monogamy suits them at this time in their lives. Perhaps they were in a long-term relationship and never had the opportunity to enjoy the special, spicy energy of variety, and they’d like to experience it now. Or maybe they had these kinds of experiences during the ‘60s and ‘70s, then settled down and are ready to fly again. Or they may always have felt that monogamy doesn’t suit  them and followed their desires.

The key is to be clear, respectful and honest in stating what you are looking for. Saying something like, “I’ve never felt that I could be happy in a sexually exclusive relationship and I’m looking for partners who feel this way, also,” might be a good approach. (I do not suggest broadcasting, “Wanted! Lots of women for sex!”) Some women will respond negatively. They won’t want anything to do with you, and that’s perfect – they wouldn’t work out for you.

Please have a candid conversation with the woman you’re dating now. She may be “in” with your idea, or she may not. Make sure she has all the information so that she can choose for herself whether or not to stay with you. However much you may like her, if the relationship is based on a lie or a misconception, it’s doomed. If she wants an exclusive relationship, let her go. Neither of you will be happy together.

When you do meet women who are interested in the sexual lifestyle you want, there will be negotiations: commitment to safer sex practices; how much each of you tells the other about your sexual relationships; whether you get involved in casual relationships or have a primary, committed relationship with a “free pass” for taking other lovers when it feels right. There are many ways to be non-monagamous, and a superb book to learn from is Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships  (Cleis Press, 2008).

Multiple sexual relationships are not easy, especially when you’re just feeling your way. But for many people, they are indeed rewarding. Age is no barrier when it comes to learning to live your authentic sexual beliefs. Good luck to you. —Joan

Would you like to see more questions and answers? See all of Joan’s advice in Sex At Our Age.

To send Joan your questions, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org. All information is confidential.


Joan Price is the author of the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and of “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s  blog, “Naked at Our Age.”

Similar articles can be found at:

 http://seniorplanet.org/how-to-satisfy-your-sexual-needs-when-your-old-rulebook-says-no/

 

Tomorrow – Tuesday – Oct 15 – The Erotic Literary Salon – The Do’s And Dont’s Of Writing Erotic Fiction

The Do’s And Dont’s Of Writing Erotic Fiction

Excerpts from Elissa Wald’s column in LitReactor.

Sex is at the heart of what it means to be human. It’s vitally important to nearly all of us. It’s a driving force in our daily lives (even when we’re celibate), and its mysteries are infinite. So it bewilders me that — as a rule — erotica is seldom taken seriously, either by writers or readers. Intelligent, well-written erotica is a rare, rare thing (and I’ve been looking for it all of my life).

I believe that in order to write well about sex, we have to resist the version of sexuality that’s brandished at us every day by the advertising and fashion industry: most especially the idea that we can only be aroused by superficiality and perfection. How can we make sex — on the page as well as in life — less a performance and more a source of communion? How can we go deeper?

The following are some of my own tips for writing erotic fiction:


1. Respect The Genre. Respect The Reader

Bring the same attention and regard to writing about sex as you would to anything else you’d write. Assume the reader wants — and is capable of appreciating — something beyond a jerk-off vehicle. There’s nothing wrong with getting off — I always hope my readers are getting off on what I write! — but I want to affect people between the ears as much as between the legs.

There’s nothing wrong with getting off – I always hope my readers are getting off on what I write! – but I want to affect people between the ears as much as between the legs.

2. Spare The Rod

The throbbing rod, that is, and all other coy euphemisms for body parts. Please don’t tell me about our hero’s member, or manhood, or hard hot tool or battering ram. Likewise, don’t refer to our heroine’s mound or tunnel or the center of her womanhood.

3. Dispense With Cliches

Don’t say that he pounded her like a jackhammer, or that she lay back, spent. Tell me something I haven’t heard before. Make me think about something that wouldn’t occur to me otherwise.

4. Less Is More

Stay away from blow-by-blow descriptions of sex acts. The mechanics aren’t what’s intriguing. The emotional dynamics between people are intriguing.

‘All the Sex I’ve Ever Had’ will be presented along with attendee readings and featured presenter. Details and cover story on reality theater piece are in earlier posting.

http://theeroticsalon.com/blog/special-addition-to-next-weeks-erotic-literary-salon-all-the-sex-youve-ever-had/

 

 

SPECIAL Addition to Next Week’s Erotic Literary Salon – All the Sex You’ve Ever Had

Excited to announce the TALK Q&A this month will feature the reality play ‘All the Sex I’ve Ever Had.” Rochelle Lewis, a regular reader at the Salon, was one of the performers during the FringeArts presentation of this play. She has graciously offered to recreate (with most of the cast) this wonderful play.

Doors to Salon open as usual 6:30, play 7-7:45, attendee readings 8pm

Excerpts from the featured article in Philadelphia Weekly:

The sex lives of old folks  (senior folks)

A Fringe production tells the true stories of local seniors’ intimate relations.

Rochelle Lewis sat down a few weeks ago to begin reviewing the past four decades worth of her own sexual history. It’s helped the 63-year-old put her finger on some important moments: for instance, that day in 1985 when she met the first sex partner she ever considered a real lover.

“Before then,” she says, “it was just fucking. I grew up in the 1960s and ’70s, and there was a lot of sex without context—without content. There was no emotional content, and I don’t think the boys really knew what they were doing.”

Lewis, a Center City resident, is one of half a dozen Philadelphia-area senior citizens who’ll take to the stage this Friday and Saturday in All the Sex I’ve Ever Had, a provocative piece of nonfiction theater revolving around a topic that remains oddly taboo in society today: the intimate lives of folks over 60.

Produced by the Toronto-based performance company Mammalian Diving Reflex as part of the 2013 Fringe Festival, the show is structured almost like a U.N. hearing, with participants sitting before the audience and going through their lives year by year to review the thrills, orgasms and heartaches they’ve endured and enjoyed.

The artistic director behind Mammalian Diving Reflex, Darren O’Donnell, traveled to Philadelphia last month to sit down one at a time with local seniors who were willing to tell their stories onstage. He recorded dozens of hours worth of their reminisces, then sifted through it all to choose the best anecdotes and outlined a show comprising a specific sequence of those stories. “I feel like I’ve fallen into a stream filled with gold,” he says. “It’s so amazing, and it’s so great to hear all of their unique stories.”

The audience will hear from storytellers like Joe, a 63-year-old retired schoolteacher, and Hattie, a 69-year-old retired welfare caseworker. “People are surprisingly sexually active,” O’Donnell says—“both men and women at all ages. At any age, of course, you still have to sift through the normal den of douchebags.”

The participants’ stories represent a remarkable sort of generous honesty that’s unique to older people, the director adds: When it comes to being candid about their private lives, “they understand there’s not much to lose.”
“Look, frankly,” Rochelle Lewis says, “all a woman has to do is spread her legs and get fucked. It’s a no-brainer. But to make love to a woman—or, conversely, for a woman to make love to a man—[we] have to learn how to do this.”

A self-described erotic poet who enjoys one-on-one readings of her works—and produces “smut sheets,” 500-word erotic musings—Lewis warmed to the show’s concept quickly. “People in the audience are going to find the stories funny and poignant and compelling and shocking,” she says. “I hope they take away from it the fact that people over the age of 60 are still viable, still vibrant, and, yes, still having sex.”

And yet for all the blunt honesty—despite the fact that senior-citizen sex is at least as delicate a subject in our culture as adolescent sex, if not more so—All the Sex I’ve Ever Had ultimately isn’t about the lurid details. “While we use sex as the metronome to keep us on track,” O’Donnell says, “it’s all of the other things about life that are most interesting.”

Indeed, while discussing matters carnal, it doesn’t take Lewis long to segue—just like Sigmund Freud—into talk of family history. “It may be that men have to learn not only physical technique but more,” she says. “I hope [audience members] come away with an understanding that you learn over the entire course of a lifetime: You get better, you get worse, you get better, you get worse, you survive the pain. Chaotic families, dysfunctional families—everyone thinks they come from a dysfunctional family, and I think that’s probably true.”

O’Donnell’s initial inspiration for All the Sex I’ve Ever Had came while he was working with a theater in Oldenberg, Germany, where the city’s residents are more habitually physically active than your typical American: “People there have been riding bicycles their entire lives. So I was seeing women in their 70s on bicycles everywhere—and I started conversations with them.” The German seniors’ forthrightness in discussing their life experiences led O’Donnell to the idea of a show in which older people around the world would share similarly—and his Philadelphia interviewees, like others he’s worked with, proved eager to do just that.

“It’s knowledge through experience,” says Lewis. “It’s knowing that things change. Even a marriage, a 50-year marriage—that’s not forever, either! Nothing lasts forever.”

(One cast member in a Singapore production of All the Sex suggested: “The trouble to date men is not worth it, and learning to be a magician is so much more interesting.”)
Talk of love and aging soon unearths a cultural contradiction between the two.

Read more: http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/news-and-opinion/cover-story/All-the-sex-ive-ever-had-fringe-festival.html#ixzz2hKfykMtQ

Read more: http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/news-and-opinion/cover-story/All-the-sex-ive-ever-had-fringe-festival.html#ixzz2hKfeAWAw