Tag: adult sex-ed

Reminder-This Tuesday July 17-The Erotic Literary Salon-Live/Adult Sex Ed, More Sex

You do not want to miss this Tuesday’s Salon, trust me. Doors open 6:30.

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Sarangapani Vishnu Temple

How to Get your Partner to Have More Sex

Dr. Marty Klein

As a sex therapist, I work with couples every week in which one partner wants more sex than the other. In heterosexual couples, about half of the higher-desire partners are female, and about half are male.

When it’s a small disparity people generally work it out. But when one person wants sex twice a week and other wants it twice a year, many couples simply can’t cope. And indeed, this is a difficult problem.

Ideally, couples would struggle over this together: what are WE going to do about OUR problem?

What’s more common, unfortunately, is that each partner sees themselves as having the primary pain: one person struggles with feeling unfulfilled, rejected, and resentful. The other person struggles on feeling abandoned, judged, and resentful.

Each one feels the other’s sexuality is problematic. And each person looks at the other and says what are YOU going to do about MY pain that YOU’VE created?

I see how couples collapse over this. Sometimes the higher-desire attacks the lower-desire. Believe it or not, that doesn’t put the lower-desire in a sexy mood.

Sometimes the lower-desire criticizes or withdraws from the higher-desire. That doesn’t make the higher-desire feel understood, and it doesn’t encourage the higher-desire to self-soothe or to connect with the lower-desire in non-sexual ways.

As I often do with couples, I start by talking about the context of the problem more than the problem itself. So I invite people to talk about what they want as an alternative to their dreadful situation. Common responses are: to feel desired, to feel loved, to feel attractive, to feel important, to feel connected.

People are also eager to tell me what they don’t want: to feel used, coerced, demeaned, guilty, awkward, or physically uncomfortable.

If they haven’t mentioned it, I suggest that people in this situation often feel abnormal, inept, and lonely. Both the higher- and lower-desire partner typically agree. Helping people realize that both they and their partner feel similarly is an important part of the work.

I suggest that one of our main goals is to arrange for people to feel more of how they want to feel, and less of how they don’t want to feel. Of course they agree (although sometimes warily). “Note how different that is from ‘let’s have more sex’ or ‘let’s you accept we’re not going to have more sex,’” I say.

But what about sex? The higher-desire invariably asks how we’re going to arrange for more sex. That is going to be one of our goals, right? More sex, right?

Here’s where the work really gets interesting. “You’re not just interested in more sex, are you?” I ask. “I mean, I think you want a different kind of sex, right?” The higher-desire often looks at me, not sure where I’m going with this.

“The issue here isn’t just more sex,” I say, “it’s that you want to FEEL different—whether it’s more loved, or more attractive, or whatever, right? For years you’ve assumed that more sex will get you that, but it won’t, will it–not more of the sex you two have been having. You don’t want to settle for a bigger amount of what doesn’t really nourish you, do you?”

“You’re not ambitious enough,” I gently tell the higher-desire. “Personally, I don’t actually care how much sex you have—I want you to feel great about the sex you do have. Oh, and I also want you and your partner connecting physically, besides sexually, in ways that you both enjoy. That OK with you?”

Practically every higher-desire eagerly signs up for that. And that helps us get away from the simplistic goal of more-sex-that-neither-partner-enjoys.

Because the higher-desire doesn’t just want more sex—they want more enthusiasm, more engagement, they want a partner who pursues sexual satisfaction for themselves. That’s why so many higher-desires also complain “my partner never initiates.” When initiating sex is a stand-in for “I really want to be doing this with you,” people start keeping score. That always ends badly.

At this point in the therapy the lower-desire has started to have a little hope—maybe the entire focus of sessions won’t be on ramping up their desire for sex they don’t especially enjoy.

But they may also feel concerned. Because instead of talking about the quantity of sex (which they’re sick of discussing), now we’re talking about enthusiasm, authenticity, and a bunch of other stuff that my feel burdensome. “It’s not enough that I do it once in a while, now I have to smile and chat, too? Or initiate sex I don’t really want?”

Um, no.

Some lower-desires don’t want to want more sex. That’s a special problem, which I’ll discuss in a subsequent article. But many lower-desires are genuinely distressed about their partner’s distress. More importantly, many lower-desires would like to enjoy sex more—a crucial piece of information which typically has gotten lost along the way.

That’s what I get them to talk about. Interestingly, the higher-desire partner is often skeptical about this. “If you want more sex, let’s just do it!” But as the couple’s life has unfolded (a miscarriage, a sister-in-law issue, parenting conflicts, weight gain, where the dog sleeps, etc.), it has become more complicated than that.

Frequently, the lower-desire wants more emotional connection on a day-by-day basis. Or they want their partner to do more household chores, or use a different approach to parenting, money, or the in-laws. Sometimes the lower-desire wants sex with someone who hasn’t been drinking, or criticizing them relentlessly. Sometimes the lower-desire wants sex that doesn’t hurt, which the couple simply hasn’t been able to create.

Getting the higher-desire to notice the actual eroticism of a partner who seems apathetic or unresponsive can be quite a challenge. “Yes, he/she has seemed uninterested,” I say, “But I don’t think they’re uninterested in all sex, under all circumstances. I think your partner is describing special situations under which sex isn’t appealing, and over time those situations have become more and more common—to the point where they’re almost always part of your relationship.”

* * *

So while higher-desire is indeed struggling with not enough sex, they really need something else. And while lower-desire does spend a lot of energy inhibiting the sexuality in the relationship, they really want something more than just discouraging the sex they don’t like, the demands for it, and the complaints about the lack of it.

Getting people to talk honestly about what they want—not just “more sex” or “less pressure”—is a crucial step toward getting a couple re-aligned erotically AND emotionally. Difficult discussions about how the couple lives (budgeting, timeliness, tidiness, personal hygiene) are often necessary as well.

What certainly does NOT work is making your partner feel bad about themselves:
criticizing, shaming, diagnosing, manipulating, avoiding, or punishing.

This may sound obvious, but every week I see couples in which people are doing exactly these things, hoping they will resolve the struggles over sex.

They never do.

https://www.martyklein.com

Press Release-July 17-The Erotic Literary Salon/Adult Sex-Ed

Philadelphia’s Erotic Literary Salon-Live and the Adult Sex-Ed Salon, Featured Reader Flenardo Will Deliver His Eargasms.Tuesday, July 17.

 

PCSalons@gmail.com- contact: Susana Mayer, Ph.D., Salonnière,

www.theEroticliterarysalon.com– guidelines for reading.

www.theEroticliterarysalon.com– blog: events, Salon notices, erotica, and guidelines.

 

The Erotic Literary Salon will be held Tuesday, July 17.  The evening will start with the Adult Sex-Ed Salon a one-hour program devoted to sex and sexuality. The audience will have the opportunity to pose any questions regarding sex and sexuality anonymously.Sexologist Susana Mayer, PhD, along with co-host Walter will facilitate the Adult Sex-Ed Salon and attendees interested in sharing their knowledge and experiences will join in the discussion. This is always an extremely lively, audience driven Q & A period.

 

Featured reader Flenardo is a published Urban Fiction Author & Spoken Word Artist. He comes to deliver lyrical eargasmsby merging poetry and excerpts from his novels “The Poetic Whore” & “Married to the Pen.” His reading style and performance captivate listeners to a wet dimension of pure eroticism. Flenardo’s favorite quote is that “I write like a virgin but perform like a whore.” It means that a poet should remain humble when writing; but when hitting the stage give an experience of a lifetime.  Website: http://freknardo.com/

 

PHILADELPHIA: The Erotic Literary Salon, unique in the English-speaking world has launched a growing movement mainstreaming erotica. Salons attract a supportive audience of 60 or more individuals. Approximately 10-15 attendees participate as writers, readers, storytellers, spoken-word performers of original works. The audience has the opportunity to participate reading sexuality quotes from various books or they can just listen, enjoy and applaud. Sign-up to read at the door; guidelines can be found at the Salon’s website.

 

Salons gather the 3rd Tuesday of every month at TIME (The Bohemian Absinthe Lounge), 1315 Sansom Street, Center City, Philadelphia. Doors open at 6:30 p.m., for cocktails, food and conversation. Adult Sex-Ed between 7:00-8:00, readings begin at approximately8:30. Admission is $12, discounted for students and seniors to $10. Salon attendees must be 21.

 

Creator of this event, Dr. Susana, is Philadelphia’s best-known sexologist. She lends her voice to the Salon by offering relevant information to support the discussions that arise in the Salon and blog.

 

…surprisingly comfortable….Salon devotees praise her for the space she has created….”

“I think Susana is doing a very brave thing.”

Philadelphia Inquirer, February 10, 2010

 

“There are laughter and tears along with the hot rush of blood – to the face.

Daily News, March 15, 2010

 

“I never knew such a life of honesty could exist. I finally found a home I can be comfortable in…this event changed my life.

First-time attendee and reader 2013

 

 

Tonight! – The Erotic Literary Salon Live/Adult Sex Ed, Lucid Dream Sex

Tonight the Salon features Lola LePaon reading from her recently released book, “Flick.” Written in the format of a choose your own adventure book.

Lucid Dream Sex – Intimate Seduction – Brainwave Entrainment Lucid Dream Enhancer

Brain Power Music

The new erotic lucid dream music track allows your subconscious to take you into a sexual fantasy as it uses sound elements to influence your dreams. Using binaural beats and isochronic tones that range within the different stages of Sleep Cycles such as 4Hz to 16Hz, this will allow your intimate fantasies to come to life in your dream reality. The first stage will help you to gain deep relaxation in both mind and body as you focus on your specific sexually stimulating dreamscape. As you doze off into deeper sleep, the next couple of Sleep stages are mainly for your mind and body’s recharge and relaxation. The last stage contains the sound elements that are key factors into enhancing and influencing your sex dreams, which also taps into the REM stage. Listen with headphones for better results, and keep the volume at a comfortable low setting.

8 hours worth of powerful lucid dreaming sex. I have not tried this yet, but it sounds most interesting. Who will be the first to report on their experience at the Salon?

Press Release-June 19-The Erotic Literary Salon/Adult Sex-Ed-Featured Reader Lola LePaon

Philadelphia’s Erotic Literary Salon-Live and the Adult Sex-Ed Salon, Featured Reader Lola LePaon Reading From Her New Book “Flick,”Tuesday, June 19.

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

 PCSalons@gmail.com- contact: Susana Mayer, Ph.D., Salonnière,

www.theEroticliterarysalon.com– guidelines for reading.

www.theEroticliterarysalon.com– blog: events, Salon notices, erotica, and guidelines.

The Erotic Literary Salon will be held Tuesday, June 19.  The evening will start with the Adult Sex-Ed Salon a one-hour program devoted to sex and sexuality. The audience will have the opportunity to pose any questions regarding sex and sexuality anonymously.Sexologist Susana Mayer, PhD, along with co-host Walter will facilitate the Adult Sex-Ed Salon and attendees interested in sharing their knowledge and experiences will join in the discussion. This is always an extremely lively, audience driven Q & A period.

Featured reader Lola LePaon is a published erotica author. She will read the first story in her recently released book, “Flick,” based on the split decision moment when you decide to refrain or give in to something definitively; whether it is cheating, or revenge, or experimentation. Each story builds up to a decision, and the reader selects the direction. The word “flick” by definition means a sudden movement or to propel as such. In this instance the reader is propelled into fantasy. “Flick” is erotica framed as a choose your own adventure story. Instagram: @FLICK_by_Lola; Twitter: @Author_Lola

YouTube: YouTube.com/LolaLePaon; Facebook: Facebook.com/LolaLePaonFans

PHILADELPHIA: The Erotic Literary Salon, unique in the English-speaking world has launched a growing movement mainstreaming erotica. Salons attract a supportive audience of 60 or more individuals. Approximately 10-15 attendees participate as writers, readers, storytellers, spoken-word performers of original works. The audience has the opportunity to participate reading sexuality quotes from various books or they can just listen, enjoy and applaud. Sign-up to read at the door; guidelines can be found at the Salon’s website.

Salons gather the 3rd Tuesday of every month at TIME (The Bohemian Absinthe Lounge), 1315 Sansom Street, Center City, Philadelphia. Doors open at 6:30 p.m., for cocktails, food and conversation. Adult Sex-Ed between 7:00-8:00, readings begin at approximately8:30. Admission is $12, discounted for students and seniors to $10. Salon attendees must be 21.

Creator of this event, Dr. Susana, is Philadelphia’s best-known sexologist. She lends her voice to the Salon by offering relevant information to support the discussions that arise in the Salon and blog.

…surprisingly comfortable….Salon devotees praise her for the space she has created….”

“I think Susana is doing a very brave thing.”

Philadelphia Inquirer, February 10, 2010

“There are laughter and tears along with the hot rush of blood – to the face.

Daily News, March 15, 2010 

“I never knew such a life of honesty could exist. I finally found a home I can be comfortable in…this event changed my life.

First-time attendee and reader 2013