Why You Shouldn’t (and should) Be Monogamous – Polyamory

Great article on monogamy and polyamory written by an ethicist and critical thinker, not a sexologist or psychologist. He got it right. My only addition would be the ‘octopus’ analogy Reid Mihalko used in his poly conference seminar regarding jealousy. He actually apologized for using an octopus for comparison since they only have 8 arms and he felt there were even more reasons for people to feel jealous. But whether there are one or a dozen reasons, bottom line, we fear our partner will leave us if they experience jealousy.

Why You Shouldn’t (and should) Be Monogamous

by Tauriq Moosa


Is monogamy wrong?

Being nonmonogamous is not about being better or worse than monogamous couples: it’s about what works for you as individuals and as a couple. For example, it would be wrong for you to have multiple partners beyond your primary partner without her consent or approval. Again, this would be unethical nonmonogamy and therefore betrayal.

Notice, too, the problem isn’t monogamy or nonmonogamy but betrayal which an ethical nonmonogamy is undermining.

The point isn’t the label of one’s relationship. What matters is that the relationship has a foundation of honesty; that openness is consistent and on-going. Whether this results in monogamy or nonmonogamy is irrelevant since how you arrive there matters more: You might switch between monogamy and nonmonogamy. You might want other partners purely for sex, or yearn for lots of deep, emotional romantic relationships.

Whatever it is, your needs should be discussed with your partner, without the danger of him reacting irrationally and harshly.

What we should begin insisting and establishing is that we have a hold on sex and romance, not the other way round; that sex has as much power as we want to give it, not an ineffable measure it gives us. This doesn’t undermine that sex can be powerful, that sex does come with measures of caution. But these, also, can be controlled.

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